London Blog

Plato, Socrates, Einstein, Freud, and Franklin. Let these men show you how to win a fight, become rich, satisfy any women, and much much more!


How to Win a Fight

Achilles, Genghis Khan, Attila the Hun; all were great warriors in their own times, but would they stand a chance down the ‘Dog and Crown’ in Glasgow on a Friday night? If not, then who can we turn to? Which famous warrior can truly show us how to convince an 18-stone bruiser that we weren’t trying to chat up his girlfriend: Strangely enough, it’s Plato. Despite the image you probably have of Plato in your head, he proved he had as much physical prowess as mental, twice winning the violent Pankration at the Olympics. Never heard of the Pankration? It was the most violent no-holds barred competitive fighting competition that any culture has ever approved. Blows to the groin were allowed and even encouraged; one fighter was nicknamed ‘fingertips’ because of his habit of breaking his opponents fingers at the start of a bout to gain an advantage. So if you train like Plato did, then you probably won’t have too many problems,

“Obey instructions, eat according to regulations, keep away from desserts, exercise on a fixed schedule at definite hours, in both heat and cold; you must not drink cold water nor can you have a drink of wine whenever you want. You must hand yourself over to your coach exactly as you would to a doctor. Then in the contest itself you must gouge and be gouged” Epictetus

Starting to sound too much like hard work? Well different fighters trained in different ways. Milo of Kroton, a great Olympic wrestler, had one favorite training method- eating 40 pounds of meat and bread at one sitting, washing it down with eight quarts (the equivalent of 16 pints) of wine. Plato also notes another method that seemed to be very successful, but required a great deal of willpower to achieve; Ikkos of Tarentum, victor in the Olympic Pentathlon, was said to never have touched a women!

How to Fake an Orgasm

She screams, she groans, she writhes, she pulls your hair and announces, “I’m coming!”, so loud that the neighbors find it hard to look you in the eyes. And yet you still have your doubts. Ever since Meg Ryan proved to Billy Crystal that women are far better at faking orgasms than he believed, men have been on edge, and rightly so! Women have faked orgasms for thousands of years; but for any ladies who are worried that their acting ability is still lacking somewhat, here is some advice from Ovid, a famous Roman poet.

“If nature denies you these true feelings, then pretend to them with thesounds and movements alone, and show the bliss in your eyes, though you do not feel it in the body where the greatest enjoyment should be. And when your partner cries out, wrap your limbs about him and pant with it too, and let him feel it in your secret place, so that the pretence is complete.”
Ovid (The Art of Love), 3 BCE

How to Become Rich

‘Lack of money is the root of all evil’- So said George Bernard Shaw, and it would be hard to disagree with him. By the end of the month most of us will be wondering just where the respectable looking sum of cash in our pay packet has disappeared to. But secretly we know, it’s been used to buy the endless stream of purchases we need to keep us happy: newspapers, takeaways, CD’s, the odd DVD or magazine. In truth, we have wasted it away. Benjamin Franklin, a founding father of the United States, saw his friends and family suffering through this process, and so created a list of 13 virtues to live by. Virtues that if followed would enable a worker to save and grow rich. So if you’re looking to buy a house, or purchase a new car, simply obey these virtues,

“Temperance, silence, order, resolution, frugality, industry, sincerity, justice, moderation, cleanliness, tranquility, chastity, and humility” Benjamin Franklin

You might now complain that trying to obey each and every one of these 13 virtues would be too difficult and complex, well Franklin thought so too. Therefore he simplified his teachings, and gave out a warning to those who didn’t heed his advice,

"Be temperate in wine, in eating, girls, and cloth, or the Gout will seize you and plague you both," Benjamin Franklin

Sounds boring? Well Franklin seemed to agree. He relished his food, basked in the company of women, and for most of his life he was plagued…by gout.

How to Satisfy a Woman

Think back to the last time you had sex. Were the frenzied and passionate screams coming out of her mouth completely real? Or was she faking? Well thankfully Ovid provided some advice for the man worried his partner had begun to feel the need to fake her orgasms, advice on how to satisfy a woman more completely than she had ever known before,

“Be advised by me, do not come too soon to the climax of your pleasure, but by skilful dallying, reach it gently, and take great pleasure from gentle progress. Do not, by setting too much sail, speed on and leave your mistress behind you. Do not let
modesty stay your hand, but touch her where she most longs to be touched, that your progress may be as one. You will know what you seek is in sight by the light of bliss shimmering in her eyes as the sun does on the waters. Next will follow her gentle
moanings and soft sighs, and she will whisper words of love and wanting, and move against you. The greatest satisfaction is when lover and mistress together become one with the wave of pleasure that carries them in. This is the benefit of holding back and
keeping pace with your mistress, when there is no need to hurry.”
Ovid (The Art of Love), 3 BCE

All very well, but perhaps your finding this a bit too sickenly romantic. What if you want something a bit wilder, or you don’t have the time for a loving tender evening; what you really want is just ‘a quickie’? Well in that case….

“if you need to hasten your pleasure, then make no delay in bending over the
oars and rowing with all your strength”.
Ovid (The Art of Love), 3 BCE

How to Have a Happy Marriage

In 1393 an old Parisian merchant wrote a series of notes, to explain to his new teenage bride the wifely duties that he expected of her. Unfortunately the merchant gave no hints on how he persuaded his wife to follow these guidelines, or indeed whether they stayed married once she had seen them!

“Obey your husband’s commandments both in great and small matters, even if what you are ordered to do seems strange. Act according to his wishes not your own because his wishes come before yours. Do not answer him back, or contradict what he has to say especially in front of others. When he returns have a good fire ready for him, remove his shoes, wash his feet and give him food and drink, and have his bed ready with clean sheets and a clean nightcap” Unnamed author 1393

Once these tasks had all been dutifully completed, only one job was left for the merchant’s wife,

“Allow him those secret delights of which I will not write.” Unnamed author 1393

How to Succeed at Work?

Many of us feel extremely jealous when we see the great paintings of Vincent Van Gogh, or listen to the concertos of Mozart, full of envy that we don’t have the raw talent to become so successful. Well there is a way to emulate these men, but unfortunately it’s no quick fix. Many of the greatest writers and artists have told of the sheer level of hard work needed for them to rise above the mundane.

“If people knew how hard I worked to get my mastery, it wouldn’t seem so wonderful after all.” Michelangelo

Yet sometimes the only reason you haven’t succeeded is because you haven’t yet been bold or brave enough, all that’s needed is a bit of daring. There is a story that Albert Einstein’s driver would sit at the back of the hall during his lectures on the theory of relativity. He sat through so many of these lectures that he complained to Einstein that he could probably give the lecture himself. So sure enough at the next stop Einstein and his driver switched places, with Einstein sitting at the back in driver’s uniform. The driver gave the lecture perfectly, but at the end a member of the audience asked a complicated question. Without a seconds pause the lecturer replied, ‘Well, the answer to that question is quite simple, in fact, I bet that my driver, sitting up at the back there could answer it.’ He had showed a bit of daring, and for the next few years Einstein’s driver toured the world, explaining the theory of relativity to some of the planets greatest minds and beautiful women!

How to Choose a Woman

The dating scene has often been compared to a jungle, full of both predators and prey. Knowing what type of women will make you happy has always been a burning question, yet Benjamin Franklin never had any doubt. When asked by a friend who was seeking a sexual relationship with no strings attached, on what type of women he should look for, he advised,

“An older women, because they have more knowledge of the world and their minds are better stored with observations, their conversation is more agreeable”. Benjamin Franklin

Although you may happily agree with Franklin on this point, you may be feeling some trepidation towards the consequences of pulling someone old enough to be your mother; well have no fear, as from personal experienced Franklin tells us,

“the face first grows lank and wrinkled, then the neck, then the breast and arms, the lower parts continuing to the last as plump as ever, so that regarding only what is below the girdle, it is impossible of two women to know an old from a young one” Benjamin Franklin

And if you still need any persuading,

“The pleasure of corporal enjoyment with an old woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every knack being by practice capable of improvement.” Benjamin Franklin

But how to seduce such an older women? A more mature and civilised lady is perhaps less likely to fall for your charms. Why not try the advice of Vatsyayana, author of ‘The Kama Sutra’,

“to indicate desire a man should pull at his moustache and stare meanfully at the women.” Vatsyayana

How to Throw a Party

Even the greatest minds such as Socrates and Aristotle have all partied in their own time. Gandhi himself used to sleep between two naked women, using the excuse of wanting to test his self restraint (N.B don’t try this excuse if you have been caught doing the same). Anyone wanting to plan a great party needs only to look at the banquets thrown in ancient Greece and Rome. Partygoers would feast themselves on as many as 100 different kinds of fish, as well as mountainous quantities of beef, pork, veal, lamb, wild board, venison, ostrich, duck, and peacock. This was all washed down with up to 10 quarts (20 pints) of wine. Slaves would attend to your every need, with the drink kept cool through the use of ice and snow hauled down from the Alps. Entertainment would then take place in the form of dancers, acrobats and singers. Many of these dancers would perform naked, and were often (available) prostitutes.
There were of course those who frowned upon parties such as these, and the youths that attended them,

“They have bad manners, contempt for
authority; they show disrespect for their elders and love chatter in
place of exercise; they no longer rise when elders enter the room;
they contradict their parents, chatter before company; gobble up their
food and tyrannize their teachers” (Socrates in older life, 5th Century BC)

However enjoying yourself is the privilege of the young; enjoy yourself now or one day you could be filled with regrets, regrets like those felt by Freud,

“I did a great deal of maturing in Leipzig, a vast amount of masturbation, and not nearly as much whoring as I should have” Freud.

 

London’s Top 10 Organic Restaurants

London Top 10 Organic

Famous for their local produce, season ingredients and environmentally friendly cooking methods; here are ten of London’s best organic restaurants.

1. Acorn House - Located in busy King’s Cross is London’s first environmentally sustainable restaurant. Using bio diesel, eco-sensitive takeaway containers, and on-site water purifiers - this is green, guilt-free eating at its best. In the evening, Acorn House transforms from a bustling daytime venue to a mature dining experience with a simple menu offering simple yet creative dishes. The pan-fried salmon with cherry tomatoes is delectable, and ideally followed by their warm apple pie and ice-cream.

2. The Gate - Described by TimeOut as ‘London’s best vegetarian restaurant’, The Gate serves up an eclectic range of meat-free dishes in their unique converted church space in Hammersmith. Their butternut and cashew samosas are deliciously flaky and well-spiced, while the Caribbean curry - packed full of plantain, yam, sweet potato and pineapple - is hearty and exotic. The majority of their menu is suitable for vegans and a lot of the dishes are gluten-free, so there really should be something for everyone.

3. Pizza Organic - As the name suggests, Pizza Organic’s three London restaurants use only fresh, chemical-free produce for their ‘cool, fresh and funky’ menu. Enjoy a start of black tiger prawns in garlic and cracked pepper, followed by one of their huge stone-baked pizzas or calzones. They also offer a children’s menu, irresistible desserts and some gluten-free options.

4. Manna - Tucked away in Primrose Hill, Manna is a surprisingly unpretentious vegetarian restaurant with friendly staff and an inventive international menu. Dishes include aubergine tempura, sweet potato and chickpea burritos, and asparagus caesar salad. For a gluten-free, organic and tongue-tingling dessert; enjoy the lemon meringue tower with limoncello cream, lemon curd & lime crème anglais.

5. VitaOrganic - On busy Wardour Street; VitaOrganic is a great choice for organic, vegetarian cuisine - as well as their innovative ‘Vi-tapas’ and juice bar. Good value for money and you’ll leave feeling well-fed, rejuvenated and pleasantly smug at having consumed so many healthy options in one sitting.

6. Konstam at the Prince Albert - Made famous by the TV series ‘The Urban Chef’, Konstam is run by Oliver Rowe who sources all of the restaurant’s food locally. The dimly-lit restaurant is charming, the service is amiable and efficient, and the food is faultless. Don’t miss the grilled-to-perfection Amersham pork chops and the sweetly sinful tart tatin.

7. Bumpkin - Situated on Westbourne Park Road, Bumpkin is ideal for ‘city folk who like a little country living’ in the form of simple, rustic food and a laid-back atmosphere. Highlights of their menu include grilled leg of lamb, seared tuna carpaccio and the freshest Dorset crab. Head Chef, Oliver Prince, puts together the seasonal menus using only the best produce, including free-range meat from London butcher Frank Godfrey and organic fruit and vegetables from Secretts Farm.

8. Fresh & Wild - The Soho branch of London’s favourite organic supermarket also has a deli, juice bar and café. Their top quality chemical-free produce goes into every dish; so whatever you choose is guaranteed to be fresh, healthy and delicious.

9. Duke of Cambridge - This award-winning gastro pub features an ever-changing menu packed with fresh and inventive British and European dishes. The noise-free bar is ideal for a light snack and a drink, while the dining room is perfect for a sit-down meal. Everything on the menu is certified as organic by the Soil Association and their electricity is wind and solar-generated, so you can enjoy their organic beers and wines without worrying about your carbon footprint.

10. The River Café - Famous for using only seasonal ingredients; The River Café is sophisticated, stylish and understandably expensive. Past menu highlights include chargrilled Scottish scallops, wood-roasted wild sea bass, and slow-cooked veal shin.

Great British Beer Festival at London, Earls Court

After the success of the 2006 event, the Great British Beer Festival will be returning to Earls Court from 7 th-11th August to celebrate its 30th birthday. Last year the festival attracted over 66,000 visitors, pulled over 300,000 pints and served up 450 different ales from all over the UK. This year promises to be even bigger and better - with an extensive selection of beers, ciders, ales and lagers guaranteed to quench your thirst.

Great British Beer Fest

A programme of tutored tastings will take place each day, giving beer enthusiasts the chance to get some expert guidance on their favourite tipple. Britain’s leading beer expert Roger Protz will host the ‘World Explorer’ tasting, allowing guests to sample a range of distinctive beers from different continents. There is a tasting to teach you about pairing beer with food, one to showcase the winner of the ‘Champion Beer of Britain’ competition, and one to exhibit some of the new ‘Belgian Classics with Tim Webb.

As usual, the festival has put together an impressive live entertainment schedule with some to performers providing the soundtrack to your day out. Kicking the evening off on Tuesday is the London-based Chaminade string quartet with their eclectic mix of classical music, jazz and musical numbers. On Wednesday, folk band Tanna and the British Blues Quintet will take to the stage; and on Thursday there is music from Dr Feelgood, string band Fret & Fiddle, and guitarist Gordon Giltrap. Jean Genie, the UK’s best David Bowie tribute, will perform on Friday and the Fulham Brass Band will bring things to a close on Saturday. With such a diverse mix of performers on offer, there really is something for everyone.

If you can’t get a babysitter, don’t despair – the Family Room is packed full of video games, toys, table football, kid-friendly drinks and snacks, and ever-cheerful entertainers to make sure that those under the legal drinking age have a great time too. The young at heart can join in the fun on Thursday’s ‘Hat Day’ where Britain’s beer lovers will be sporting hats of all shapes and sizes, with the best hat winning a special prize.

Tickets are only £7.00 and are available on the door or on the website. The nearest tube station is Earls Court Station (Piccadilly and District lines).

If you still need more beer or fancy a hearty meal, then friendly gastropub ‘The Cumberland Arms’ on North End Road should do the trick. Amiable staff, a decent drinks menu, and huge portions of top quality pub grub are just three reasons why you should visit this charming local boozer.

To escape the crowds or sleep off the effects of all that beer, take refuge in Holland Park – a small, pretty park with grassy spaces, shaded woodland trails, formal gardens, playgrounds and wild ponds. The ‘Kyoto’ Japanese garden is perfect for romantic strolls, and there are open-air theatre and opera concerts held in the grounds in the summer. Keep an eye out for the beautiful peacocks too!
 

Gresham College Public Lectures

There are a lot of colleges and universities in London, and most of them are aimed at… well… students. Gresham College is the exception. It sets no exams, awards no degrees, and it doesn’t charge tuition fees. Instead, it provides free lectures, and it has done for over four hundred years.


Entrance to Barnard's Inn, current home of Gresham College

(Picture by Niznoz.)

The college is named after its sixteenth-century founder, Sir Thomas Gresham. As son of the Lord Mayor, Gresham was in a perfect position to set up a new college and make sure it took its place as a forum for public lectures and discussion. Originally the lectures were given in the City, then in the nineteenth century they moved to Gresham Street, and finally in 1991 to Barnard’s Inn. The college continues to make its aim to “challenge those who live and work in the City of London to engage in intellectual debate on those subjects in which the City has a proper concern”, but you certainly don’t have to live or work in the City to get in.

The college has eight professors at a time, covering fields including divinity, geometry, physic (not physics) and rhetoric with sweet archaism. Lectures take a break during August, but the September schedule is already full of exciting stuff — a solar explosion in 1859, 4000 years of geometry — while October promises a look at Hogarth’s London (particularly useful if you missed the recent Tate Hogarth exhibition) along with the intriguing “Is the world flat?” (we at the London Stopover Blog were pretty sure it wasn’t flat, but it only takes a second to say “no” and the lecture goes for quite a bit longer than that, so maybe it’s not as simple a question as we’d assumed).

If you miss a lecture you were particularly interested in, there’s even a lecture archive that stores recordings or transcripts of many of the previous lectures, on subjects ranging from the physics of sport to mental health and the state of London in 1616.

Gresham College Public Lectures: Barnard’s Inn, Holborn. From September, 1 p.m. or 6 p.m. on various days. Free.

Free Theatre at The Scoop

A couple of months ago we wrote about the free film showings at The Scoop, in More London. Well, now the films are over, along with July’s music, but the festival’s still going on. During August, it’s finally time to pack away the projectors and bands, and bring out the theatre.


Sideways view of The Scoop, an open-air auditorium set into the ground

(Picture by Olivier Bruchez.)

This year there’s two shows, one aimed at adults and one at children. For adults, there’s Helen of Troy (the slightly eccentric Euripides version). This production takes the place of the originally-planned Grapes of Wrath, which had to be dropped due to funding problems; but Euripides’ Helen is fantastic, if very very odd, so the change sounds like a win for theatre. This production promises “bravery, illusion, heart-break, magic and laughter” — well, the “laughter” sounds a bit out-of-character for Greek tragedy, which is not traditionally known for its jokes, but it certainly sounds like a fun production, well worth going to see, particularly at the cost of zero pounds.

For children (though a lot of adults are going to be watching as well), it’s The Jungle Book. This version is based on the Disney animated movie rather than the sweet but less popular Kipling book, and it uses puppets to maintain the cartoonish glee of the original. Because it only runs for sixty minutes, it won’t tax children’s attention too much, but it does manage to keep all the most famous songs from the cartoon, in a frenzy of dance and music. On the 15th and 29th of August there’s even a post-show talk.

We’re still not convinced that “More London” is a sensible address, but given that The Scoop has been providing us with free films and music throughout summer, and shows no signs of stopping yet, it would be churlish to complain too hard.

Free Theatre at The Scoop: The Scoop, More London. 1 August - 9 September. Free.