How to Win a Fight
Achilles, Genghis Khan, Attila the Hun; all were great warriors in their own times, but would they stand a chance down the ‘Dog and Crown’ in Glasgow on a Friday night? If not, then who can we turn to? Which famous warrior can truly show us how to convince an 18-stone bruiser that we weren’t trying to chat up his girlfriend: Strangely enough, it’s Plato. Despite the image you probably have of Plato in your head, he proved he had as much physical prowess as mental, twice winning the violent Pankration at the Olympics. Never heard of the Pankration? It was the most violent no-holds barred competitive fighting competition that any culture has ever approved. Blows to the groin were allowed and even encouraged; one fighter was nicknamed ‘fingertips’ because of his habit of breaking his opponents fingers at the start of a bout to gain an advantage. So if you train like Plato did, then you probably won’t have too many problems,
“Obey instructions, eat according to regulations, keep away from desserts, exercise on a fixed schedule at definite hours, in both heat and cold; you must not drink cold water nor can you have a drink of wine whenever you want. You must hand yourself over to your coach exactly as you would to a doctor. Then in the contest itself you must gouge and be gouged” Epictetus
Starting to sound too much like hard work? Well different fighters trained in different ways. Milo of Kroton, a great Olympic wrestler, had one favorite training method- eating 40 pounds of meat and bread at one sitting, washing it down with eight quarts (the equivalent of 16 pints) of wine. Plato also notes another method that seemed to be very successful, but required a great deal of willpower to achieve; Ikkos of Tarentum, victor in the Olympic Pentathlon, was said to never have touched a women!
How to Fake an Orgasm
She screams, she groans, she writhes, she pulls your hair and announces, “I’m coming!”, so loud that the neighbors find it hard to look you in the eyes. And yet you still have your doubts. Ever since Meg Ryan proved to Billy Crystal that women are far better at faking orgasms than he believed, men have been on edge, and rightly so! Women have faked orgasms for thousands of years; but for any ladies who are worried that their acting ability is still lacking somewhat, here is some advice from Ovid, a famous Roman poet.
“If nature denies you these true feelings, then pretend to them with thesounds and movements alone, and show the bliss in your eyes, though you do not feel it in the body where the greatest enjoyment should be. And when your partner cries out, wrap your limbs about him and pant with it too, and let him feel it in your secret place, so that the pretence is complete.”
Ovid (The Art of Love), 3 BCE
How to Become Rich
‘Lack of money is the root of all evil’- So said George Bernard Shaw, and it would be hard to disagree with him. By the end of the month most of us will be wondering just where the respectable looking sum of cash in our pay packet has disappeared to. But secretly we know, it’s been used to buy the endless stream of purchases we need to keep us happy: newspapers, takeaways, CD’s, the odd DVD or magazine. In truth, we have wasted it away. Benjamin Franklin, a founding father of the United States, saw his friends and family suffering through this process, and so created a list of 13 virtues to live by. Virtues that if followed would enable a worker to save and grow rich. So if you’re looking to buy a house, or purchase a new car, simply obey these virtues,
“Temperance, silence, order, resolution, frugality, industry, sincerity, justice, moderation, cleanliness, tranquility, chastity, and humility” Benjamin Franklin
You might now complain that trying to obey each and every one of these 13 virtues would be too difficult and complex, well Franklin thought so too. Therefore he simplified his teachings, and gave out a warning to those who didn’t heed his advice,
"Be temperate in wine, in eating, girls, and cloth, or the Gout will seize you and plague you both," Benjamin Franklin
Sounds boring? Well Franklin seemed to agree. He relished his food, basked in the company of women, and for most of his life he was plagued…by gout.
How to Satisfy a Woman
Think back to the last time you had sex. Were the frenzied and passionate screams coming out of her mouth completely real? Or was she faking? Well thankfully Ovid provided some advice for the man worried his partner had begun to feel the need to fake her orgasms, advice on how to satisfy a woman more completely than she had ever known before,
“Be advised by me, do not come too soon to the climax of your pleasure, but by skilful dallying, reach it gently, and take great pleasure from gentle progress. Do not, by setting too much sail, speed on and leave your mistress behind you. Do not let
modesty stay your hand, but touch her where she most longs to be touched, that your progress may be as one. You will know what you seek is in sight by the light of bliss shimmering in her eyes as the sun does on the waters. Next will follow her gentle
moanings and soft sighs, and she will whisper words of love and wanting, and move against you. The greatest satisfaction is when lover and mistress together become one with the wave of pleasure that carries them in. This is the benefit of holding back and
keeping pace with your mistress, when there is no need to hurry.”
Ovid (The Art of Love), 3 BCE
All very well, but perhaps your finding this a bit too sickenly romantic. What if you want something a bit wilder, or you don’t have the time for a loving tender evening; what you really want is just ‘a quickie’? Well in that case….
“if you need to hasten your pleasure, then make no delay in bending over the
oars and rowing with all your strength”.
Ovid (The Art of Love), 3 BCE
How to Have a Happy Marriage
In 1393 an old Parisian merchant wrote a series of notes, to explain to his new teenage bride the wifely duties that he expected of her. Unfortunately the merchant gave no hints on how he persuaded his wife to follow these guidelines, or indeed whether they stayed married once she had seen them!
“Obey your husband’s commandments both in great and small matters, even if what you are ordered to do seems strange. Act according to his wishes not your own because his wishes come before yours. Do not answer him back, or contradict what he has to say especially in front of others. When he returns have a good fire ready for him, remove his shoes, wash his feet and give him food and drink, and have his bed ready with clean sheets and a clean nightcap” Unnamed author 1393
Once these tasks had all been dutifully completed, only one job was left for the merchant’s wife,
“Allow him those secret delights of which I will not write.” Unnamed author 1393
How to Succeed at Work?
Many of us feel extremely jealous when we see the great paintings of Vincent Van Gogh, or listen to the concertos of Mozart, full of envy that we don’t have the raw talent to become so successful. Well there is a way to emulate these men, but unfortunately it’s no quick fix. Many of the greatest writers and artists have told of the sheer level of hard work needed for them to rise above the mundane.
“If people knew how hard I worked to get my mastery, it wouldn’t seem so wonderful after all.” Michelangelo
Yet sometimes the only reason you haven’t succeeded is because you haven’t yet been bold or brave enough, all that’s needed is a bit of daring. There is a story that Albert Einstein’s driver would sit at the back of the hall during his lectures on the theory of relativity. He sat through so many of these lectures that he complained to Einstein that he could probably give the lecture himself. So sure enough at the next stop Einstein and his driver switched places, with Einstein sitting at the back in driver’s uniform. The driver gave the lecture perfectly, but at the end a member of the audience asked a complicated question. Without a seconds pause the lecturer replied, ‘Well, the answer to that question is quite simple, in fact, I bet that my driver, sitting up at the back there could answer it.’ He had showed a bit of daring, and for the next few years Einstein’s driver toured the world, explaining the theory of relativity to some of the planets greatest minds and beautiful women!
How to Choose a Woman
The dating scene has often been compared to a jungle, full of both predators and prey. Knowing what type of women will make you happy has always been a burning question, yet Benjamin Franklin never had any doubt. When asked by a friend who was seeking a sexual relationship with no strings attached, on what type of women he should look for, he advised,
“An older women, because they have more knowledge of the world and their minds are better stored with observations, their conversation is more agreeable”. Benjamin Franklin
Although you may happily agree with Franklin on this point, you may be feeling some trepidation towards the consequences of pulling someone old enough to be your mother; well have no fear, as from personal experienced Franklin tells us,
“the face first grows lank and wrinkled, then the neck, then the breast and arms, the lower parts continuing to the last as plump as ever, so that regarding only what is below the girdle, it is impossible of two women to know an old from a young one” Benjamin Franklin
And if you still need any persuading,
“The pleasure of corporal enjoyment with an old woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every knack being by practice capable of improvement.” Benjamin Franklin
But how to seduce such an older women? A more mature and civilised lady is perhaps less likely to fall for your charms. Why not try the advice of Vatsyayana, author of ‘The Kama Sutra’,
“to indicate desire a man should pull at his moustache and stare meanfully at the women.” Vatsyayana
How to Throw a Party
Even the greatest minds such as Socrates and Aristotle have all partied in their own time. Gandhi himself used to sleep between two naked women, using the excuse of wanting to test his self restraint (N.B don’t try this excuse if you have been caught doing the same). Anyone wanting to plan a great party needs only to look at the banquets thrown in ancient Greece and Rome. Partygoers would feast themselves on as many as 100 different kinds of fish, as well as mountainous quantities of beef, pork, veal, lamb, wild board, venison, ostrich, duck, and peacock. This was all washed down with up to 10 quarts (20 pints) of wine. Slaves would attend to your every need, with the drink kept cool through the use of ice and snow hauled down from the Alps. Entertainment would then take place in the form of dancers, acrobats and singers. Many of these dancers would perform naked, and were often (available) prostitutes.
There were of course those who frowned upon parties such as these, and the youths that attended them,
“They have bad manners, contempt for
authority; they show disrespect for their elders and love chatter in
place of exercise; they no longer rise when elders enter the room;
they contradict their parents, chatter before company; gobble up their
food and tyrannize their teachers” (Socrates in older life, 5th Century BC)
However enjoying yourself is the privilege of the young; enjoy yourself now or one day you could be filled with regrets, regrets like those felt by Freud,
“I did a great deal of maturing in Leipzig, a vast amount of masturbation, and not nearly as much whoring as I should have” Freud.
